For the last couple of weeks, I have definitely been 'on high' so to speak. I was undoubtedly excited to leave New Zealand to continue my adventure in London, and then when I got here, I was ecstatic to see all my friends and think about all the great things that are yet to come.
Yesterday, reality set in.
It wasn't a bad day by any stretch of the imagination, but a day where the high came crashing down. The day when I realised that maybe this isn't going to be as easy as the fairytale I had made myself believe.
But from the depths within me, I want to believe this fairytale. I want to believe that I can get a really amazing job and that something great will work out. I want to believe that I can earn enough money to pay my rent, to give and to save to go on trips to Uganda. I want to believe that I can be of some great value to the people in my life both immediately and in days to come. I want to believe that I can continue to live generously with everything that I have, my money, my time, my affection, my words, my compassion and my wisdom. I want to believe that I can build incredible relationships and have a community of people around me that will protect, defend and care for me, and I for them. I want to believe that I can run this good race with perseverance and determination. I want to believe that I can do something great, something worthwhile with my life.
These things are all in the core of who I am, who God has wired and created me to be, to impact my world, to make a difference, to stand up and make a change. I know I will never settle, it is not in my nature to do so.
But today, today I feel useless and have nothing to give.
Last night I gathered with some great people and we took a moment to write down some things that we want to see happen in the next year. Adrian, my wonderful friend and leader, will then send them back to us in a years time so that we can reflect and see what we have achieved. It didn't take me long to fill the entire page with dreams and aspirations for the year, some easily achievable, and some that seem so far fetched that I couldn't imagine happening in a lifetime, let alone in the next year.
I am excited, I am expectant, but it's the waiting place that always gets me. I know, really know that there are so many incredibly good things to come, I know like I have never known before. I have never had such a confident feeling as this before and I simply can't explain it.
It seems strange and so adverse to my circumstances. Think about the reality of it for a moment. I am here in London, 18800 km away from my homeland of New Zealand in quite literally, the furthermost place I can be. I have no money and getting a coffee this morning was an extravagance that I simply needed on this day, but felt guilty for. I have no job and not too many real leads. I am sitting on a blow up mattress on my friends floor writing this, and this is now what I call home.
I am thankful nonetheless, that I have been here before, that I have met people, friends that I can call family, that are happy to have me squatting on their floor.
It seems that I have nothing, but truth be told, I have everything. I have a place to call home for now, I have friends, I have family and most importantly, I have hope. I am not without, this isn't a sad sob story, this is a story of hope and of confidence in the God that I know and love.
So those are my circumstances, that is the reality of life for me now in this far away land, away from the comforts and security of what I know and can trust in. But despite them, I am confident. I am hopeful. I am privileged.
So don't forget that this is what I chose. I did this to myself. I was the one that wanted to leave New Zealand, I was the one that left with nothing in my bank account, I was the one that left without a job to come to, but I just believe that I was being obedient to Jesus and following my heart, and because of that, I have this unexplainable knowing within me that everything will be ok.
It will be better than ok. It will be better than I can conceivably imagine, because that is the type of God I serve.