Throughout the course of the day I unfortunately just encountered disappointment after disappointment, through lack of support in senior management (I should just learn that lesson now), to a colleague just bluntly putting themselves before anyone else, to not getting offered a ride in the pouring rain, even though I am not well.
The things seem small and insignificant, but in my day they were significant and I'm finding that I constantly have to check my attitude because it is swiftly heading south.
I walked out of the office door after hanging around for 5 or so minutes all rugged up, with my coat on, to see if anyone would offer me a ride to the station, of which they did not. It gets dark at 4.30pm now, and by dark, I mean that it is pitch black, so by the time we leave work at 5.30 or 6pm, darkness has well and truly set in for the night. Today it was dark and raining and the last thing that I wanted to do was take my 20 minute walk down and then up the hill to the station.
I find that I constantly have to check my attitude when it comes to days like this, because there are over 30 staff at this school, half of which drive past the station and never once offer a ride. Actually, I retract that statement, I have been offered a ride a few times by a lady that drops me off at a close corner which is lovely. But then my mind goes 'Well, how hard would it be for you to drive around that corner and drop me outside the door? It would literally add 2 minutes onto her journey, and make mine much, much more pleasant' cos while it takes 2 minutes to drive there, it takes over 5 minutes to walk up the hill (in the rain).
SO I think she's selfish (not generous).
I think everyone is selfish (not generous) for not offering me a ride in the pouring rain, especially when I have this chesty/yucky/sore throat/husky voice thing going on.
Today was the type of heavy rain that your shoes flick up all the water to the back of your trousers.
So I sat on the tube and the bus soaked all over for my hour long journey home, freezing cold because no one offered me a ride, and I cried about it.
Yip, I did. I cried, walking all the way from school to the station.
Thinking about people and how much they frustrate me, how much disappointment I got in just today, how selfish people are, how much it hurts me when people are not generous...and...how much disappointment I'm feeling about my friends (which, I think is clearly the real, underlying hurt here).
I really believe that I am a good friend. I'm a crap friend too, but for the most part, I am a good friend. I believe in my friends, I value them, I place them high in my regard, I encourage them and I lift them up in prayer, I back them when sometimes nobody else does, I believe that they are good, that they intend good, that they are beautiful, that they are gifted and unique and they have insights, wisdom and experiences to share and impart into my life. I value their opinion and what they say, I believe in their future, in their dreams, in their desires and in their plans and I will never discourage something that is in their heart. I try to only speak life into them, and watch my words. I correct and challenge those that have allowed me to in our relationship, and all out of love for them, to see them grow, to see their lives move forward, and their thinking challenged. I speak highly of them around other people and watch what I say so that I never bring them down and so other people will hold them in high regard as well.
It is hard being this type of friend. It is very intentional, and it is the way that I have chosen to live out of the conviction of my own heart. I know that I am human and I am well aware of my faults and that this sometimes is not the most accurate picture of me, but it is what I aspire to.
But right now I am finding it really hard because I don't feel it reciprocated by many of the people that I consider to be close to me. Where are the people that believe in, encourage and lift me up? Where are my beautiful friends who whole-heartedly believe in me and my dreams and my future and who tell me? Where are the people who, when I am weak, lift me up in prayer? Where are the people that are generous with their time, their resources and their words?
Please, just be generous today...what ever that may look like. Because, when you're generous, I know that you love me, and that you value me.