Contentment vs Satisfaction

My heart has toiled for years for the church. For many years I was in a church that was beautiful, until it wasn't. It 'wasn't' anymore because suddenly I had changed - I had grown, matured. No longer was I a babe suckling milk, and no longer was I satisfied with swallowing things hook, line and sinker and taking them at face value. I had an urge, a desire to be part of something greater. I had questions and more questions that weren't getting answered, and the further that I grew to believe what is (or should be) right about the church is the further that I grew from being aligned with the vision of the house that I was planted in.

I have a great love for the kingdom of God. I believe it is the only answer to humanities hurts and needs. Funnily enough (given my participation in church the last year or so), I also believe wholeheartedly that the church is the answer, even in its 'still working it out stage'. I have spent years, literally, reading the New testament to try and gain some insight to how the church should look, act and be. The short answer is that I still don't know. The long answer, I'm sure is to come. But one truth that I know is that Christ loves the church, and I do too, the collective body of Christ is a force to be reckoned with...

What I've realised in the last few weeks is that my spirit is not satisfied. It never has been. I have, ever since the day I met Christ, not been satisfied with my life, realising my goals, my dreams, with church, and with relationships. Now, don't get me wrong - it's not a negative thing. There have been times that I have been content, where I have been happy to be in places for seasons and had the joy of that contentment...but still with this rising dissatisfaction pushing up from within.

I think that contentment can breed complacency if we're not careful. Complacency looks like a dirty stagnant pond to me and it smells funny. It scares me.

Dissatisfaction if propelled in the right direction, breeds change, momentum, movement. That doesn't scare me.

For most people it is the flip - they're quite happy with the contentment of life, happy to be where they are, comfortable, they don't enjoy change or uncertainty. For what ever reason, the way that God has wired me is that of - what I'm now going to call - dissatisfaction.

It is freeing for me to finally be able to put a word on the constant plight of my spirit. And to feel like it is not a bad thing - but a good thing. A really good thing. I would often, throughout the years, feel bad for never being happy and content with where I am. It never seems enough for me, and always desire the 'next'. But because I am not career driven, it never made any sense to me why I would crave more and have this internal feeling. I don't want to succeed for mans approval - that is the last of my concerns, in fact, I don't even want to 'succeed' as such (insert worlds view of success). So this constant need of more is not flesh driven - but spiritually, it is so clear to me now.

I am not satisfied, because He is not. If He was, this world would not exist anymore.

I now know that it is okay to not be satisfied, but along with that comes certain responsibility.

Any thoughts?