Contentment vs Satisfaction

My heart has toiled for years for the church. For many years I was in a church that was beautiful, until it wasn't. It 'wasn't' anymore because suddenly I had changed - I had grown, matured. No longer was I a babe suckling milk, and no longer was I satisfied with swallowing things hook, line and sinker and taking them at face value. I had an urge, a desire to be part of something greater. I had questions and more questions that weren't getting answered, and the further that I grew to believe what is (or should be) right about the church is the further that I grew from being aligned with the vision of the house that I was planted in.

I have a great love for the kingdom of God. I believe it is the only answer to humanities hurts and needs. Funnily enough (given my participation in church the last year or so), I also believe wholeheartedly that the church is the answer, even in its 'still working it out stage'. I have spent years, literally, reading the New testament to try and gain some insight to how the church should look, act and be. The short answer is that I still don't know. The long answer, I'm sure is to come. But one truth that I know is that Christ loves the church, and I do too, the collective body of Christ is a force to be reckoned with...

What I've realised in the last few weeks is that my spirit is not satisfied. It never has been. I have, ever since the day I met Christ, not been satisfied with my life, realising my goals, my dreams, with church, and with relationships. Now, don't get me wrong - it's not a negative thing. There have been times that I have been content, where I have been happy to be in places for seasons and had the joy of that contentment...but still with this rising dissatisfaction pushing up from within.

I think that contentment can breed complacency if we're not careful. Complacency looks like a dirty stagnant pond to me and it smells funny. It scares me.

Dissatisfaction if propelled in the right direction, breeds change, momentum, movement. That doesn't scare me.

For most people it is the flip - they're quite happy with the contentment of life, happy to be where they are, comfortable, they don't enjoy change or uncertainty. For what ever reason, the way that God has wired me is that of - what I'm now going to call - dissatisfaction.

It is freeing for me to finally be able to put a word on the constant plight of my spirit. And to feel like it is not a bad thing - but a good thing. A really good thing. I would often, throughout the years, feel bad for never being happy and content with where I am. It never seems enough for me, and always desire the 'next'. But because I am not career driven, it never made any sense to me why I would crave more and have this internal feeling. I don't want to succeed for mans approval - that is the last of my concerns, in fact, I don't even want to 'succeed' as such (insert worlds view of success). So this constant need of more is not flesh driven - but spiritually, it is so clear to me now.

I am not satisfied, because He is not. If He was, this world would not exist anymore.

I now know that it is okay to not be satisfied, but along with that comes certain responsibility.

Any thoughts?

Kick in the Right Direction.

The kick up the bum that I so deserve. It has been a long time coming. I have sensed it somewhere in the depths of my heart that I have been choosing to ignore. I have felt the gentle (not!) tugging at me to get my crap sorted out, then a couple of weeks ago all the building and leading got too much and I had to share something with precious people that I had been hiding under a bowl for a very, very long time. Then this last week I went to a conference and the resounding word that came out of it was 'study'. Study, study, study. As if I didn't know already that I needed to. I have been slack in my following of Jesus, I have been slack in what I do with my time and it has been going on for a long while. Sure, I love Him. I follow Him, I breathe and speak Him, but sadly, confessing-ly, it has been nothing but religious banter because I have not STUDIED. Shesh. Kick, Up, The, Bum. It has really caused me to reflect again on who I am. What I'm doing, where I'm going, my place in the world, and to seriously consider the answer to those questions.   One of my colleagues accused me of being 'gifted' today. As in the type that teachers label as 'gifted and talented'. I hate that label, and I refuse to use it, and hate it even more when parents come to me telling me that they have a gifted child. Yes, we get it, you love your child, you think it is the most precious thing on the planet, but seriously? Gifted? He eats paper and makes farting sounds on his arm. NOT gifted. I am the epitome of the saying 'Jack of all Trades'. I guess that's why I'm a primary school teacher - I can do many things averagely which is a good thing for my job. I think I am anything but gifted. But this is what I do know: Words plague me at midnight and I have to write like its an obsession that I can't get off my brain until it is satisfied; my desperate need for change is something greater than my constant (fleshy) boredom; my global obsessions are purposed; and that my expectations far exceed what is possible. Those are character traits that make me who I am. I can't imagine why it is needed in this world, but for some reason God packaged me up in a not so neat or little frame and gave me life. I can't imagine what it is like to be God. I don't even want to pretend that I understand because it will just be offensive. But what I do know is that it is an absolute privilege to know His unending love and grace. I guess it's my turn to once again start taking that seriously and start not only being thankful (which we all do so well when things are going great!) but proactive, forward thinking, believing, and preparing. So, for the remainder of the year I am going to set up my lifestyle of study. I am going to study a theme - GRACE. I will read all there is to read on grace in the Word, and in blogs and in books. Does anyone want to join me on this crusade? I endeavor to not just be a consumer and to get serious.