What I wrote on my first night in Uganda

I'm lying on my bed, under a full blown mosquito net with the fan blowing sweet, cool air around the room. It is 12.17 in the morning and I am having a very real, but very surreal moment all in one.

I am in Africa.

The flight was massive, we had a 12 hour layover in Amsterdam which was amazing, and now, around 32 hours after I left home, I am in a place so foreign, so opposite, but yet feels so comfortable.

All of my western worldliness has already been challenged and I have only been in the country for a few hours. After getting through airport security with minimal hassle, we were met by 3 Watoto workers, one who was cuddling a sweet, tiny baby named John-Mark. This little guy already has quite the story to tell, left nameless and abandoned at a hospital at a very small and premature weight of 1.2kg, he was rescued by Watoto and driven back to the main city of Kampala on a 5 hour journey. While on the journey back, the car broke down and it was hours before they could get it fixed, fighting for his life and meant to be in an incubator, John-Mark pulled through and now is doing really well at Bulrushes baby home in Kampala.

Talk about being smacked right in the face about the reality of living life here in Uganda from the outset of this trip.

Once the boys got all our gift bearing suitcases and boxes in the van, we opened the door and my immediate reaction was ‘Where’s the baby seat?’ to which, ‘we’re in Africa now!’ was the answer. Reality check number two and we hadn’t even left the car park. So I jumped in and pretended to be ok about this little guy not having a car seat, and soon forgot about all the western-ness of my thinking as we took the hour long journey back into Kampala.

As we were driving and listening and taking in all the sights and smells of Uganda, streets were buzzing with activity and people, lined with little shacks selling everything that you can think of. Street vendors and restaurants that we would not even consider for a moment to eat at, had people buzzing around them. Shacks that sold all things wooden, where beds and shelves were literally stacked on top of one another on the side of the road, refrigerators as well, lined the streets.

So this is my first impressions of Africa, have already challenged my way of thinking and living and struck me to my very core, I am preparing to be royally messed up.

Hold your breath - it gets better

A whole new world

Don't you dare close your eyes

A hundred thousand things to see

Hold your breath - it gets better

I'm like a shooting star

I've come so far

I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world

Every turn a surprise

With new horizons to pursue...

Let me share this whole new world with you

Trust Disney to make a theme song with such great lyrics. I've had this song in my head for days and I love it, not because I listen to it often (but I do admit it's on my ipod) but because it's like a little promise from my sweet God to me...hold your breath, it gets better.

I know it gets better.

I have dreams that are better and bigger and way beyond what I can even imagine now.

Uganda - it was a dream, and in 3 days, it is becoming reality. Wow.

I can't wait for God to share this whole new world with me...

And I know that I can never go back to where I used to be.

Much more than Arithmetic

"The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings."

-Eric Hoffer

I am thankful for the people who enter my life

I am thankful for friends who encourage, support and love me even when I don't deserve it

I am thankful for family who always are by my side

I am thankful for my sister who has sweetly revealed that she can't live without me

I am thankful for my family in America who lovingly speak truth to me

I am thankful for my friend who has good intentions of sending me a package

I am thankful for my cousin and her babies that I call my nephew and niece, and even though I am on the other side of the world, I lift them to Jesus daily

I am thankful that people have invited me into their journey of life, what ever that looks like for them now, it is a privilege to be on it with them

I am thankful for my job which is challenging but is allowing me to grow personally and professionally

I am thankful that I am privileged enough to be in London and on this life adventure

I am thankful that I am going to Uganda in a week and getting to go where I have only dreamed

I am thankful that I have the resources, time, and freedom to be able to do incredible things like go to Uganda

I am thankful that I have lived and learned and experienced so much already in my short 26 years

I am thankful for my warm, beautiful house and my lovely housemates who are a joy to live with

I am thankful for the simple things that I take for granted like food and water

I am thankful that it is chilly but sunny outside and that the leaves are pretty colours

I am thankful for today and that it is a new day with new mercies

I am thankful that one day an inspiring friend set me on a path to discover Jesus

I am thankful that Jesus embraced me and has never let go

I am thankful that I have an incredible hope and a future, and that I can trust in that

I am thankful that I have gifts and a uniqueness that I can offer the world

Friends, I am thankful, and I am trying to master this arithmetic.

*edit - I am thankful for Horndog who sends me emails that make me laugh*

Started with Joy, Ended in Tears

There was such a beautiful feeling about today, I got up, connected with the big man, even read my bible. I felt good, peaceful, like today was going to be a great day. I listened to my ipod, felt inspired as I sat on the train, I even enjoyed my 20 minute walk into work in the frosty air. Today, I didn't mind that by the time that I got to work at 8am, I had already been up for 2 hours.

Throughout the course of the day I unfortunately just encountered disappointment after disappointment, through lack of support in senior management (I should just learn that lesson now), to a colleague just bluntly putting themselves before anyone else, to not getting offered a ride in the pouring rain, even though I am not well.

The things seem small and insignificant, but in my day they were significant and I'm finding that I constantly have to check my attitude because it is swiftly heading south.

I walked out of the office door after hanging around for 5 or so minutes all rugged up, with my coat on, to see if anyone would offer me a ride to the station, of which they did not. It gets dark at 4.30pm now, and by dark, I mean that it is pitch black, so by the time we leave work at 5.30 or 6pm, darkness has well and truly set in for the night. Today it was dark and raining and the last thing that I wanted to do was take my 20 minute walk down and then up the hill to the station.

I find that I constantly have to check my attitude when it comes to days like this, because there are over 30 staff at this school, half of which drive past the station and never once offer a ride. Actually, I retract that statement, I have been offered a ride a few times by a lady that drops me off at a close corner which is lovely. But then my mind goes 'Well, how hard would it be for you to drive around that corner and drop me outside the door? It would literally add 2 minutes onto her journey, and make mine much, much more pleasant' cos while it takes 2 minutes to drive there, it takes over 5 minutes to walk up the hill (in the rain).

SO I think she's selfish (not generous).

I think everyone is selfish (not generous) for not offering me a ride in the pouring rain, especially when I have this chesty/yucky/sore throat/husky voice thing going on.

Today was the type of heavy rain that your shoes flick up all the water to the back of your trousers.

So I sat on the tube and the bus soaked all over for my hour long journey home, freezing cold because no one offered me a ride, and I cried about it.

Yip, I did. I cried, walking all the way from school to the station.

Thinking about people and how much they frustrate me, how much disappointment I got in just today, how selfish people are, how much it hurts me when people are not generous...and...how much disappointment I'm feeling about my friends (which, I think is clearly the real, underlying hurt here).

I really believe that I am a good friend. I'm a crap friend too, but for the most part, I am a good friend. I believe in my friends, I value them, I place them high in my regard, I encourage them and I lift them up in prayer, I back them when sometimes nobody else does, I believe that they are good, that they intend good, that they are beautiful, that they are gifted and unique and they have insights, wisdom and experiences to share and impart into my life. I value their opinion and what they say, I believe in their future, in their dreams, in their desires and in their plans and I will never discourage something that is in their heart. I try to only speak life into them, and watch my words. I correct and challenge those that have allowed me to in our relationship, and all out of love for them, to see them grow, to see their lives move forward, and their thinking challenged. I speak highly of them around other people and watch what I say so that I never bring them down and so other people will hold them in high regard as well.

It is hard being this type of friend. It is very intentional, and it is the way that I have chosen to live out of the conviction of my own heart. I know that I am human and I am well aware of my faults and that this sometimes is not the most accurate picture of me, but it is what I aspire to.

But right now I am finding it really hard because I don't feel it reciprocated by many of the people that I consider to be close to me. Where are the people that believe in, encourage and lift me up? Where are my beautiful friends who whole-heartedly believe in me and my dreams and my future and who tell me? Where are the people who, when I am weak, lift me up in prayer? Where are the people that are generous with their time, their resources and their words?

Please, just be generous today...what ever that may look like. Because, when you're generous, I know that you love me, and that you value me.

The Giving of Thanks...

On Saturday night, I had a Thanksgiving dinner at my house and welcomed around 16 people here. We had a great time eating Turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and other goodies. It is an amazing celebration that I have been able to share with my American friends over the last few years, and since I was not in the States I just wanted to be thankful for the people that I call family here in London. We had a tree that we decorated with leaves of thankfulness, and I asked each person to write a thing or two that they're thankful for. It ended up being such a beautiful celebration, and a real way that we could count (and see) our blessings and our friends blessings. so I wanted to share a few of the things that were written:

I am thankful for my awesome jobs, wonderful friends being in London and my BIG God.

I am thankful for a great year, wonderful people that I share it with and a great holiday ahead.

I'm thankful for my friends, my family and my church, as well as the gifts JC has hooked me up with.

I am thankful for God choosing me to do and share his work. I am thankful for Him not letting me go in the past and I am thankful for my family abroad and so so thankful for my new family here.

I am thankful that God has transformed my life and and future and that I have hope.

I am thankful for my health.

Those are just a few of the beautiful things written, and for the most part, written by people that are here, away from their families, making and starting a new life. It's because of church and connection with Jesus that these people are in my life and in each others lives. We are so thankful that we have people to trust in, rely on, laugh with, cry with, be mad with, have fun with, to pick us up, to hug and be there for us through thick and thin, and especially so important as our families are on the other side of the world.

I just wanted to share that precious night with you as I sit here the next morning, in my clean lounge because people washed up the dishes for me, because I sit here just pondering how amazing our God is.

My Daily Struggle

There are two children that are a constant struggle in my world - every minute of every day they push the boundaries and know how to get me fired up.

One kicks, punches and screams at me at least 15 times a day, and now I have hurt my back from constantly having to grab him off other children as he jumps on them, hitting and kicking for no apparent reason. Because of his wrath, I then bear the brunt of his anger...

The other is very purposeful and cunning in the way that he misbehaves, then when asked to sit in a chair for time out, will run away from me pulling faces and singing 'na na na-naaa' and laughs hysterically as I start to boil over.

Worst of all, is that they have started to get in on the act together, doubling their trouble, therefore doubling my anger.

I am done. I have nothing left, no strategies, no ideas, I have tried everything with these two boys and have got no where...in fact, it feels that I am worse off for even trying.

Despite being constantly fired up by them, I actually enjoy them when they are being great, but why can't they be great and lovely for the majority of the time instead of being a devil-child?

Meanwhile - I have 27 other children with their own issues that need my attention as well.

Ideas?

Uganda + BidOnMe + Hillsong

Words cannot describe the amount of appreciation and admiration that I have for people in my life and world right now.

In December, there will be a team of us going to Uganda to work with an organisation called Watoto. Watoto is a non profit organisation that cares for orphan children in Uganda. Building villages and raising future leaders.

I absolutely love and believe in the vision that Watoto carry, by placing orphaned children in family homes, with brothers, sisters and a mum, and in functional communities that cater for all their needs. The children are raised in a family environment, and for some of these children with the devastation that they have faced in their young lives, it has literally saved them over and over again.

As part of our trip, we will be building a new family home so that 8 children and a Ugandan mum can live with shelter, food, education, clean water and a life, with a community of people that believe in them. We will also be helping in the babies home in Kampala, which is specifically designed to care for children aged 0-2.

For this trip, we needed at least 15,000 British Pounds (US$25,000) to cover the costs of all of the building materials and local labour - we will pay wages to the men and woman that build with us, and for some of them, it will be the only income in the month that they receive, and they travel many miles to get there.

On Friday night we held a BidOnMe fund raising event, where people auctioned off their skills, expertise and many more things. We raised an astonishing 20,000 Pounds. We not only raised that money, but through an incredible side-track, we managed to sponsor 110 children from our church to go on an outing to Lego Land, these children were from single parent families, or through other circumstances couldn't afford to go, and will remember the generosity of people as they get to enjoy Lego Land with their friends on Saturday. The atmosphere of people being generous and beautiful was thick, and it touched me to my very core. I am still so overwhelmed with the beautiful spirit in which people gave. Every time I think about it, I think how incredible our God is. The goal seemed so big and so far away, but in just one night we raised over and above what we needed. The beautiful thing is that, the more we raise, the more they receive, and the more houses can be built, and the more a nation can be changed and restored.

On Sunday, our Pastor got up at church and just shared how much we raised, and how much we as a church believe in what Watoto do, and then added another 20,000 Pounds to our fund raising as a gift from the church!

WOW...talk about being overwhelmed already - that just tipped me over.

So here I am, absolutely amazed at the people in my world, at my church and ultimately at God. For something that didn't seem possible, it has become more than reality, and for that I will never be the same again. The way that I think will never be the same, the way that I pray will never be the same, and the way that I view people will never be the same. I have learned that people can be generous beyond comprehension when they have a valid cause to give to.

I know that this cause is literally changing the lives of every single person that encounters it, whether it is through something like I will be doing, building, going to a fund raising event, or where it personally changes the circumstance of your life like it does so many men, woman and children in Uganda. This is not just a cause, this is not just a humanitarian feel good activity...this is truly God breathed and carries the very heart of God at the centre.

The important thing is that we're not stopping here. Why would we? There are children to be clothed, fed, schooled and lives to be changed.

Come on guys...let's get moving. I know that anything is possible.

Proverbs 11v24 (MSG)

"The world of the generous gets larger and larger;

the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller."

http://www.watoto.com/

Have I told you about my bed?

I have upgraded.

No longer am I on the blow up mattress on my friends floor - although I do strangely miss that - but I have my very own bed, with my very own sheets and pillows and duvet and it is gorgeous.

Just wanted to share it because every time that I get in my bed I smile, I'm smiling now just thinking about it. Yes I'm tired.

New J.O.B + busy social life = no time

But I'm ok with that.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of events, with getting my job, starting the very next day and then the children arriving the day after that...it has been full on, but really, really, good.

I like (most!) of my class, there will always be the ones that you want to strangle on numerous occassions during the day. I have 29 four and five year olds, 7 of which are non-english speaking Polish children, three high maintaince kids who cannot sit still, 14 different languages spoken at home, 2 stubborn (youngest child syndrome!) who throw fits and won't move, and 3 children other than the Polish that don't speak - even in their own languages. So needless to say it is and will be one major challenge.

I am having fun though. These first weeks have been really interactive, getting to know eachother and figuring everything out on my part. Monday is the day - the day that I will have to put on my super teacher hat and do things like Phonics and Handwriting and Literacy instead of just playing with balls and hoops and bikes in the sun (oh how I will remember these days sweetly!).

I am part of a really great team that enjoy what they do, care about the children and are there for them (not our glamorous life and salary that we pick up at the end of the month) - that's really nice to see in London because that has not been my experience thus far.

I hate starting sentences with 'I', but here I have done it again.

My (see what I did there?!) life outside of school has been incredibly busy, exhausting, but worth every hour of sleep that I miss out on. There is so much happening in the London life and I have amazing friends that continue to keep me busy and loving life. My church continues to amaze me in every way, and I feel so privileged to be a part of something so great, and to be serving a vision so great. We had church in the O2 Arena a couple of weeks ago to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Hillsong London, and we had to turn away over 4000 people. What an experience!

There have been many visitors lately and I am looking forward to seeing an old friend from New Zealand who is currently living in Japan this weekend. It is exciting taking tourists around and it makes me appreciate what I have become so familiar with.

Other than that, this is my life in this moment: BUSY, FUN and FULFILLING.

Living Like I Never Have

How good is it when you figure out that you actually love your life?

I am singing.

I am dancing.

I am smiling.

I am enjoying.

I am happy.

There have been too many years wasted in my life where I have not loved it, there have been parts that I have loved, but I could never say that I love my life...I have realised in the last two weeks that I love my life.

I don't just love it because it is easy, if anything, it has been the farthest from easy since being back in London. I am writing this (still!) from my friends floor where I have a blow up mattress and am borrowing everything. I have no money, but after 2 weeks of solidly applying for jobs, I secured one at a school which is over an hour away - which again has been intense with everything that beginning a classroom in a foreign country, without my multitudes of resources that I have taken for granted on so many occasions, entails. I love it though, I love that even though I am here and have to settle back in to London life and push friendships and boundaries and step out of my comfort zone relationally everyday and be very intentional about what I do because of so many reasons, that I am undoubtedly in the right place. There is a knowing, a deep, beautiful knowing.

And I can safely say that I love my life...which, I think that you got the picture by this point.

I feel privileged to be in this position and I am not taking it for granted in any way because I know that in just a snap of a finger, a small change of circumstance can swing you to the opposite end of the pendulum, but, I think it is much deeper than just circumstantial.

I feel like I know who I am, I feel like I know where I am going (which, really I don't, but I feel secure about the future) and I feel like there is purpose and drive to my life.

There is a reason why I was created. I am not an accident, I am not some unfortunate event of an evolutionary process, I am the very product of the breath and life of God, placed here for such a time as this.

I feel alive. I feel free. I feel like me.

On High

For the last couple of weeks, I have definitely been 'on high' so to speak. I was undoubtedly excited to leave New Zealand to continue my adventure in London, and then when I got here, I was ecstatic to see all my friends and think about all the great things that are yet to come.

Yesterday, reality set in.

It wasn't a bad day by any stretch of the imagination, but a day where the high came crashing down. The day when I realised that maybe this isn't going to be as easy as the fairytale I had made myself believe.

But from the depths within me, I want to believe this fairytale. I want to believe that I can get a really amazing job and that something great will work out. I want to believe that I can earn enough money to pay my rent, to give and to save to go on trips to Uganda. I want to believe that I can be of some great value to the people in my life both immediately and in days to come. I want to believe that I can continue to live generously with everything that I have, my money, my time, my affection, my words, my compassion and my wisdom. I want to believe that I can build incredible relationships and have a community of people around me that will protect, defend and care for me, and I for them. I want to believe that I can run this good race with perseverance and determination. I want to believe that I can do something great, something worthwhile with my life.

These things are all in the core of who I am, who God has wired and created me to be, to impact my world, to make a difference, to stand up and make a change. I know I will never settle, it is not in my nature to do so.

But today, today I feel useless and have nothing to give.

Last night I gathered with some great people and we took a moment to write down some things that we want to see happen in the next year. Adrian, my wonderful friend and leader, will then send them back to us in a years time so that we can reflect and see what we have achieved. It didn't take me long to fill the entire page with dreams and aspirations for the year, some easily achievable, and some that seem so far fetched that I couldn't imagine happening in a lifetime, let alone in the next year.

I am excited, I am expectant, but it's the waiting place that always gets me. I know, really know that there are so many incredibly good things to come, I know like I have never known before. I have never had such a confident feeling as this before and I simply can't explain it.

It seems strange and so adverse to my circumstances. Think about the reality of it for a moment. I am here in London, 18800 km away from my homeland of New Zealand in quite literally, the furthermost place I can be. I have no money and getting a coffee this morning was an extravagance that I simply needed on this day, but felt guilty for. I have no job and not too many real leads. I am sitting on a blow up mattress on my friends floor writing this, and this is now what I call home.

I am thankful nonetheless, that I have been here before, that I have met people, friends that I can call family, that are happy to have me squatting on their floor.

It seems that I have nothing, but truth be told, I have everything. I have a place to call home for now, I have friends, I have family and most importantly, I have hope. I am not without, this isn't a sad sob story, this is a story of hope and of confidence in the God that I know and love.

So those are my circumstances, that is the reality of life for me now in this far away land, away from the comforts and security of what I know and can trust in. But despite them, I am confident. I am hopeful. I am privileged.

So don't forget that this is what I chose. I did this to myself. I was the one that wanted to leave New Zealand, I was the one that left with nothing in my bank account, I was the one that left without a job to come to, but I just believe that I was being obedient to Jesus and following my heart, and because of that, I have this unexplainable knowing within me that everything will be ok.

It will be better than ok. It will be better than I can conceivably imagine, because that is the type of God I serve.

Really, a year ago?

On any normal weekend, you can wander through the delightful streets of Notting Hill and come across great architecture, green commons, cute shops and a market full of every fruit, vegetable, and bakery needs as well as the antiques, gifts and a vast array of eclectic objects down the infamous Portabello Road. It really is like the movie Notting Hill, it has that beautiful romantic feeling to it, and you half expect Hugh to pop around the corner and say Hello.

Except, this isn't a normal weekend, and it was a year ago that I experienced this bank holiday weekend for the very first time.

My memories from the Notting Hill Carnival last year were quite spectacular, I have never seen so many beads, sequence, feathers, boobs and butts shaking it with everything they've got for so long. Parade after parade vehicle having colourful followers dancing and celebrating and living. It was truly freeing to see, and sometimes join in, with these woman and men who were loving the moment so incredibly much.

This year, again, the carnival did not disappoint. With a vast array of colours and people, woman letting it all hang out without a care in the world, and fathers dancing with their little girls, it was quite a sight to see. I joined in on the parade, danced my little heart out to DJ Chuckie (who was actually rather good) and had fun wandering the streets with a couple of great guys who joined in on all the action with me. We got high off the second hand wacky dacky smoke that filled the air and made memories that will last a life time.

The Notting Hill Carnival is the largest carnival in all of Europe, filling streets with all types of music and food with a very strong African influence, but what I love most about the carnival, is that it doesn't matter who you are, what your background is and where you come from. Everyone can join in, party, have a great time and it be ok. You can be the token white girl celebrating and shaking your booty and no one thinks twice. You can be old and wrinkly and be playing the drums or trumpet or dancing like a mad man, and the young join in. There is no pretence here, no judging. It is probably the one and only weekend in London where you can really be you, no matter who you are, and no one cares, you can be fat with all of your muffin tops (and much, MUCH more) hanging out of your bikini and no one blinks an eye. Like I said it is very freeing.

Until, the riots start, and you get the heck out of there as fast as you can.

Faith + Hope + Love

It's the title of the latest Hillsong CD and it's more than good. It is an expression of the heart of the church and the life that it has created in people.

Today, as I stood and sang songs that have been born out of this house, with so much passion and fullness of life, all I could do was say 'thank you'. While sitting in the service, I was just struck with an incredibly deep love for this church, and for the 'house of God' on a global level. It took me back to when I was saved, at a young 17, and the church that I then called home for the next 8 years. It was then, during those first, intoxicating months of knowing Christ and His church, that I remember a deep love and passion beginning to develop in my heart.

For some reason, through the good and the bad that has happened in my 9 years of knowing Him, God has just rooted such a firm love for His house in my heart. At times I thought that I have hated it, I hated the hypocrisy and falseness that dwelled in what seemed like every corner I turned to, I hated the way the leaders treated me and didn't speak life and truth, but lies that fed my insecurity. I despised the way that we as servants, were treated more like slaves for 'his namesake' and I envied the leaders that were getting all of their hopes and dreams fulfilled when all I could see was them having the behaviour and personal skills of a six year old.

But even throughout all of the hurt and pain and what I saw, I still, for some reason believed that the church was Gods answer to a hurting humanity, and that, maybe oneday, other people would see it that way and start standing up to the responsibility that we, as Christs body, have to this dying and lost world. I thought maybe oneday, that the church would look beyond its four walls, look beyond its 'incredible' leaders, look beyond prosperity and blessing to see something so simple...a world in need of faith + hope + love.

Without faith, it is impossible to please God, without hope we have no expectation of good for the future, and without love, we lack the fundamental need of all humanity. We not only need these things, we were created to live and breathe and function out of these things.

To me, Hillsong is a place that continually challenges me to rise up and live out of this 'faith+hope+love' life, a place that has no constraints or limits to who God is and what He can do. A place that is so expectant for good to happen in my life, in the life of my friends and family, in this city and in this world. There is such an incredible atmostphere of God being BIGGER than any circumstance or situation and I love it.

I more than love it.

God doesn't just love the church, He can't, or not in the sense that we know love. If He were to love church like I love chocolate and ice-cream, then we may as well pack up and forget about it, give up. I will abandon my love for chocolate and ice-cream when I get diabetes, or when I decide that I need to eat sugar free, or when I am just bored of it. But God will not abandon His plan for His house, for His people, for His name to be exalted far above all.

See, God more than love's His church, and I think that I'm beginning to see it in a new light, in His light, and I think that I'm beginning to love it in a way that can never be explained by our word 'love', or probably ever explained. It is deep rooted, and it is profoundly breathtaking in the way that it has captured me.

wow.

London is my Ice-cream

This process and journey back to London has been like one of those exciting but furiously tantalizing moments when you're standing at the ice-cream store as a little kid being promised something so delicious, but having to wait for what seems like an eternity for it.

You pull your face up close to the ice-cream counter, deliberate over all of your choices and eventually, after your dad pressures you to hurry up, you make a selection of only one, how do you narrow it down like that? Despite your curiosity of other flavours, and desperately wanting to try them, you can never go past your favourite and ask for that one. You can see the store person scooping up that delicious Hokey Pokey (had to have kiwiana) and plonking it in the cone, you hope and pray that they give you a really, really big scoop, but you're too embarrassed to ask, so you just look up with your big puppy dog eyes and hope that they see you, succumb to the look of desperation, and add another. The ice-cream is so close, you see it dripping off the cone in the hot summer day, but, it is still so far. You can see it just in front of you, and almost touch it and taste it, but it's not quite yours, until the glorious moment happens when they pass it over and you skip out of the shop without a care in the world.

I've felt like that so much lately in life, how do I choose out of all these options? How do I wait so patiently for my ice-cream to be rolled and put on the cone? At last, this ice-cream is mine. I have it in my hand and it is the sweetest, most delicious Hokey Pokey ice-cream I have ever tasted (probably Kapiti or something). I have been waiting for this for months, and now that it is here, and now that I am consuming it, I am skipping around without a care in the world...

Almost.

You know, for me, I have almost put this expectation on God that He is my ice-cream shop owner and I am just waiting, so desperately, for him to give me a really giant scoop of all things good. I am happy, over the moon, with being able to be back in London, but would just like that added scoop please? So I look up with my big puppy dog eyes, and hope and pray that He sees me, but never really just be frank and ask for my extra scoop...isn't that kinda rude? Or so that's what my Mum always told me.

But I seem to think that there are different rules for God the ice-cream shop owner. I mean sure, things aren't always served to us in nice yummy scoops with a waffle cone and chocolate topping, but surely we can just ask. Isn't that the point in God being God?

So here, today, I find myself not only looking up with eyes that will melt His heart, but with sweet words of pleading for my extra scoop on life.

Actually, there's more than just one scoop that I want right now - but for this moment my added scoop that I really need is a job and some money. It's not too much to ask for, but in a way, I feel like I already have my delicious scoop of London, I just need the more. The more is just to enjoy the first better.

I arrived back in London 4 days ago and I felt like I have arrived 'home', which seems to be anywhere for me, but for now, my heart is here and therefore, my home. Getting back on the Underground Tube with my two suitcases from Heathrow airport never felt so good, it didn't matter to me that I had to lug them up and down multitudes of stairs or that no one even offered to help, because, I was home. I waited in one of the longest customs lines that I have ever seen (and I've done my fair share of traveling), but, it did not phase me, because I was home.

There is just a feeling of deep satisfaction and a knowing that life is about to get really great, maybe to a degree of greatness that I have never experienced before. That is my hope, that is my dream.

What ever it is that is waiting ahead for me, I am ready, I am excited and I want to rip it out of the hands of the ice-cream store owner and delve into it with the enthusiasm of a 6 year old.